Why did I go?

Why did I go on the Crucible Men’s Weekend (formerly known as the Dare to Soar Weekend)?  It all really began when a group of us dads were planning a study and special weekend for our thirteen-year-old sons.  One of the ministers at our church was leading us as a group in a discussion and planning session for this event for our sons.  We were to meet weekly as a group with our boys and go through a study by Robert Lewis on Becoming a Man, based out of his Raising a Modern Day Knight materials.  At the end of the series, we were going to take our boys out of school on a Friday and travel to a ranch where the boys would go through a series of events culminating with a sword presentation and blessing for each boy.  All of this was an initiation process, one that is lacking in our society today.  There are more details to the study and weekend, but that is not the point of this article. 

As we were planning this whole experience for our boys, a fire was lit in several of us.  Many of the men in the group voiced “I wish my dad had done this for me”, or “I wish I was getting a sword”.  The Minister who was leading us informed us that there was a Men’s weekend that was spiritually, physically, and emotionally challenging. He explained that he would give us more information at a future point.  He even said that he was working on bringing this weekend to Texas.  At that point…I was in!  At the time, I was thinking “what a ministry opportunity to be involved with.”  Little did I know…

In August of that same year, an opportunity arose to go to Chicago for a Dare to Soar weekend.  Several men from our church were planning on going.  The timing could not have been any worse for me.  We were not financially where I could go and the weekend fell just before the first day of school and the arrival back into town would not occur until mid-day of the first day of school.  As Principal, that was not an option for me.  I was filled with jealousy and grief.  And, as the men returned and shared what they could about their weekend, I grew more and more sad that I had not gone at that time.  The following January, leaders from Chicago, combined with the men who had gone in August held the first Texas weekend.  Again, I was out because of coaching responsibilities.  It felt, as if the time and opportunity was slipping away for me.  This was something I wanted to be a part of.  Little did I know…

Now comes October of that year.  My time has come.  I have signed up for the weekend.  It was one of if not the most impactful experience (next to marrying my wife and having my children) on my life since I have been a Christian.  I described it this way when I got home:  “I have experienced God in many ways in my 25+ years of being a Christian, but never like this.”  Now, this weekend could have been just another “mountain top” experience.  I decided, NOT THIS TIME!  What I experienced, I was going to apply.  There are optional follow up groups for these weekends.  Optional was not for me.  I made sure I was in a group and have gone and had training in order to lead a group.  I have been co-leading for 11 months now.  I have also staffed 3 weekends and about to staff a 4^th in January. 

So what was it about this weekend that has me hooked?  There are multiple answers to that question.  I think first, the weekend actually began a journey for me.  I started a new journey…down a new road.  I’ve heard it said, you cannot keep taking the same road and expect to get to a different destination. Before my weekend, I was stuck in my Christian walk.  I was doing all the right “church” things, acting the right “church” way.  I was in prayer, reading the Bible, teaching Bible classes, working in a Christian school, doing the occasional deep Bible study, co-leading a Life Group, etc.  Yet, I was feeling like I was spinning my wheels.  I had a critical spirit.  I was angry…a lot!  I was in church, doing church work and saying church things but was feeling distant from God.  I thought to myself, “I just need to try harder, work harder and better at my spiritual disciplines…’those who wait upon the Lord…’ this will get better.”  I was depressed. I was taking the same old road.  I needed a change. The weekend began my journey down a new road.

Second, and related to the new road, I was allowed to go to my broken places and God met me there.  I was able to find the compassion I had lost in my critical spirit.  I was able to touch my anger.  I was able to take all the things I had been struggling with and put them out in front of me and let God touch the sores and heal me.  I have never felt grace like I did on my initial weekend.  The good news is…I continue to see, feel, and understand better that grace. 

Third, I was able to see that I am not alone with what I feel.  Every weekend I am a part of, I identify with several of the men there.  Satan had done a number on me, like he does so many.  He made me feel like I am alone in my darkness.  I have posed for this image of being a good Christian man for so long that I thought I was alone with my hidden parts.  I experienced life with other posers feeling the same way.

Fourth, I re-experienced my hidden goodness.  I had hidden the good parts of my character not believing they were real.  I was so focused on my sin and shame that I believed there could be no good in me.  This weekend showed me blessing, tenderness, love, and goodness that I had not touched in years.

Fifth, I reconnected with men and masculinity.  I have been one for years who has not trusted men.  Oh, I could hang with them, talk the language, put on the bravado and act like them.  The weekend gave me a deeper relationship (that I needed) with other men.  There are certain parts of masculinity that can only be understood by other men.

All of this made me feel more whole as a man.  It has allowed me more patience. It has allowed me more proper avenues for my anger.  It has given me more compassion for others.  I understand better where others are coming from.  I keep those dark parts of me in view so that God can heal me.  I have looked at the plank or log in my own eye and can see more clearly.  I have learned to own the parts of me that are out of integrity and find ways to regain that integrity.

Now, I am not saying I am perfect or whole.  We live in a fallen and broken world.  I am a fallen and broken creature.  However, I no longer deny it.  Furthermore, I no longer let it weigh me down like it once did.  I have my bad days.  I still go to the wrong places in my heart and relationships for validation as a man.  The good part is, I recognize it a lot faster and have some tools to counter it.  I have group of men I can check-in with to keep me on my new road.  These men allow me to live a life of authenticity, not as a poser.  Do you know how freeing that is?!

The best part, I have learned to see Jesus in a new light.  I am more able pay attention to where God is working and how He is trying to get my attention.  His Word has more in depth meaning and is even more applicable to my everyday life.  I could go on and on.

If I were to ask each man who has been on a weekend and is still continuing his journey to write an essay, you would hear different but similar aspects of the weekend that impacted them.  Each man does his own work on a weekend, but God’s grace remains the same.

Some will read this and say, “That’s great, I’m glad it had an impact on your life.”  And, that is fine.  Some will read this and it will light a fire or strike a chord in their heart and they will say, “Where do I sign up?”  For some, it will touch you somewhere but now is not your time.  One thing I have discovered, a man will go when God has him ready to go.  I am also well aware that a weekend like this is not for everyone.  One thing I will not do is make judgment against anyone for not choosing to go.   I just felt compelled to attempt to put into writing what this weekend has done for me and for those I have experienced it power with.

God bless you all and thank you for taking time to read this blog entry.