Men and Integrity

Men and Integrity

It has been on my heart for the last few weeks about this thing called integrity.  I need to start out here with my working definition of integrity:  Integrity is a state of being honest, keeping your word, and staying within the bounds of your character and morality.  There is more to it than this, but we can start there.

The thing that has stood out to me the most lately has been when I am out of integrity.  I notice that when I am out of integrity I tend to cast or transfer the recognition of that fact onto the person who is pointing it out to me.  This person may not even point it out directly…he/she may just be in integrity themselves and my own guilt and shame point out to me that I am not in integrity.  Out of that guilt and shame, I do not want to be “called out” about where I am.  I will use many manipulative techniques to “get them off my back.”  I use anger, condescending remarks, avoidance, etc.

This really came to light for me a few days ago when dealing with a student.  I will attempt to make a long story short.  He was brought to me by a teacher because he had not put forth his best effort and she “called him” on it.  He proceeded to be condescending, rude, and hateful to the teacher.  As I talked with him, I helped him realize that he had not given his best effort and that the teacher was essentially the mouthpiece of God calling him back into integrity.  I helped him understand that when we are out of integrity, we tend to manipulate the person who “called” us on it by making them feel inferior or at fault for correcting us. 

Now, this blog article is not about the story of the student or how I had one success out of ten tries in a discipline situation.  One of the things I have realized is that I have done this many times in my life, especially growing up. I would be out of integrity with my mother in some form or fashion and would use anger (in most cases) to get her to leave me alone.  I did not want to be told I was out of integrity (obviously, she did not use that wording, but that is what the core issue was). 

I have been involved with the Crucible Project (a men’s ministry) for some time now.  One of the many aspects of this ministry is working on staying in integrity as men.  Another concept we quote often is this idea of “you spot it, you got it.”  Essentially, this means many situations in life that throw us into some sort of judgmental state touch us at a core level because, we act that way ourselves, or we have been hurt by that action somewhere in our lives.  An example would be that I hate being lied to.  It brings up strong feelings of anger toward the person doing the lying.  The reason:  I grew up lying on a regular basis.  Basically, my anger towards the situation is really something I hate about myself.  Now, I have a right to be angry about being lied to, but the strong anger and reaction is really more about me than the person lying.  I have this ability to sense when someone is lying because I have vast experience in the field of lying.  I can spot because I’ve got it.  This concept has brought a better understanding of the Matthew 7:3-5 passage about the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and the plank in your own eye.  My lying past is my plank in my eye.  Recognizing this lying past allows me to help others with their lying present.  What keeps me from being judgmental about their lying is my admission to them about my past.  Hence, the “first take care of the plank in your own eye…” 

So, what has this got to do with integrity?  Let’s go back to the story of the student and his manipulation of his teacher.  As I am working with him, I point out that I too dislike being called back into integrity.  I used examples of how I have treated my mother, my wife, and my children when I am out of integrity.  Furthermore, a passage came to mind while I was working with this student (it is amazing how and when God reveals things to your heart and you have an “aha” moment).  In Genesis 3 we see the story of Adam and Eve and their fall from the perfect world God has created.  The part that stands out is this:

v. 6 “When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it, she also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it.”

He was there the whole time and did nothing!  Now, I have studied and used this passage many times in the context of men and their tendency toward passivity.  But this situation with the student took me even deeper in this story (verses 11-12):

And he said, “Who told you that you were naked?  Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?”  The man said, “The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.”

Adam, not wanting to be called back into integrity, did not own what he had done.  Instead, he blamed Eve.  He transferred his fault onto her!  Men have been doing this since the beginning!  Now, an easy tendency here is to blame it on Adam.  Does that not just continue the cycle?  I must own my veering off the path of integrity when I am called on it.  Even if it hurts my pride or sends me into the story I tell myself, “I’m worthless and don’t have what it takes to be a real man.”   

Now, going back to “you spot it, you got it.”  In helping that student with his issue, I essentially was able to help myself in some fashion.  I have noticed over the past year, the more I own of what I do, the less of a grip the devil has on me.  His stronghold is being broken and that particular sin masters me less.  I still have struggles in that area because the old pattern is hard to break.  However, I do recognize it faster and come to own it more and more.  Thank God for his revelation to me and softening my heart to recognize my sin…even if it is painful at the time.  But, so is surgery.  Hopefully, God’s surgery is all I need.  I would hate to experience His chemotherapy.  EEK!

Let me know what you think.  Please make comments, they help with my growth.

God Bless